I am a broken body harbouring a disarrayed soul. I wish the darkest corners of me were as breathtaking as the tulip fields in Amsterdam. But, unlike a bird’s eye view of the fields, I wish you didn’t have to go so far to see my worth.

(x)

i’ve heard people say that love is a burning thing
but i would hold it too close to my chest and
gladly suffer the third degree burns if it means
i get to feel your warmth spread within me. 

once i held your flame too close to my face and
felt its gentle licks upon my eyes, marring my sight
and robbing me blind- maybe this is why i no longer
recognize the desperation staring back at me in mirrors.

is it sick and twisted that i want your love to dissolve
through my skin and disintergrate my porous bones?
i think our passion is just like fire: it’s comforting and
warm in small doses but it kills me when it gets going.

a warning label should be slapped on me for the way
i only want to hold your hand when we are in bed.
there’s something wrong with the way i choose to love you:
only in the dark, only behind closed doors, only in my heart.

I have been on a Zen trip lately, which has been helping loads with the craziness in my life right now.

(Source: society6.com)

oh god, here comes the
feeling of falling in love
all over again.

This song kills me.

(Source: Spotify)

cerealboxshakespeare:

crack my spine
like I’m your thesaurus:

imperative, essential,
vital, indispensable,
inevitable, requisite,
inorexable, compulsory,

[your name here]
[your name here]
[your name here]

want: a new girl to
fall in love with, to pour my
fucking soul into.

the monsoon brings about raindrops
big and heavy like grief-stricken tears
of widows abandoned twenty years too soon
it sleets down in sheets that threaten
visibility and i can’t see where i am going.
what else is there to do but hope not to drown?
i am thinking that blind faith in god
was invented for these moments.

i am telling you this because my love for you
was once like a monsoon spell: it swells and 
rumbles and tears light into my darkness.
the sheer power of your downpour terrified me
and shook me to my core but i trusted you
with all the blind faith and nervousness
of a student driver in his first snow storm.

today is the first day in two months
that the rain did not arrive at 4.40pm.
the skies are clear and blindingly blue
did i make the storm up in my mind?
i can’t help thinking that we used to be 
closer than this and instead i’ve got
one foot out the door, palm outstretched,
testing for the first sign of a drizzle.

I am staying because I made a promise, a pact to be together for better or for worse. I did not make this pact in front of God, but does that mean it is any less real? It is real to me, it is real to us. I made a promise to love you, to respect you and to cherish you. You have been my best friend, my lover and my partner. 

I have loved you for four years and nearly four months. I have seen you at your best and you have brought such joy into my life during our better days. I have known the agony of separation, and made life decisions purely for the sake of our future together. Yes, it was naive and stupid but it made sense at the time.

See, the thing about time is that it changes people. Time, circumstance and life- they all force us to change, most times in subtle ways but these small changes all add up. I am no longer the nineteen year old who would pick you over my family. I am no longer the twenty year old who would go with anything just to have you by my side. I have changed. And maybe you have, too. Maybe we have both changed so much that we are no longer on the same track. We’ve lost sight of that shared destination.

I have big ambitions, always striving for more, pushing my mind to think better, achieve more. I am greedy, it will always be more, more, more for me. But you, you are content. You love what you have; you are happy with your life. Do you see where we might collide? I am afraid that my big dreams might eclipse your day in the sun. I am afraid your simple attitude towards life would hinder my own progress.

I think what I am trying to say is that we have evolved with our circumstances, not together like we should have, but separately. What happened to our union? We are no longer cohesive. Logically, going our separate ways would make the most sense.

I tried to overlook this, I tried for weeks and months. I felt sorry for you and the way your life was panning out. I was intolerant. Why are you weak when I could make the best out of every situation? Where was your brilliance that I fell in love with? How are you still lost when you have had years to figure out your life?

We are no longer partners, facing adversity with fingers linked together. We are hurtling away from one another faster than bullet trains. But like I said, I made a promise to you to be by your side, for better or for worse. What we have now, this thing filled with bitterness and resentment and anger… This is not the way I want to love you. 

I am searching for inner peace, for acceptance, for patience, and for kindness. I will chant this like a mantra until it becomes the undercurrent for everything I do with you, every single thing I do for you. I am not giving up on us without a fight.

So here I am, asking you this: Will you fight with me?